Who Am I Playing For?

An interesting realization...?

Who am I playing for? Why do I feel, when not playing well, when not playing up to my potential, that I am being judged.

Older men. First the coach, years ago. Brian Horan in NH. Russ Steere at Rally Point. And now Jacques Faulice on the Newport team.

The other night, I played a horrible doubles match. By the second and third set, I was afraid to serve.

Afraid to serve.

I love serving.

Afraid to serve. Hoping not to have to.

I beat myself up a good deal when I play tennis. I care very much what others think about me. I care...too much. I want them to think I am good. I worry about what they will say when I lose. I am a tortured soul on the tennis court. I think a lot about what people will say.

Why?

How can I stop it?

What are its consequences?

The funny thing is--we won the match the other night. But I still felt lousy. I was embarrassed that Jacques saw me playing the way I did. I feel like I always have something to prove to these men. Even when I win, I feel as though I lost. How do i stop worrying about their judgment?